One of the most misunderstood hman behaviors is addiction. In 1956, the American Medical Association recognized alcoholism as an official disease. Addiction is a progressive disease with no known or guaranteed cure, affecting all ages, races, socio-economic groups and religions. People have genetic predispositions to the disease, just like cancer, diabetes and heart disease.
A common misconception is that teenage substance abuse can be avoided if parents are loving, stable and not permissive. Teenage substance abuse can occur in the most loving, stable, best intentioned environments. If addiction appears anywhere in the gene pool, there is an increased chance that substance abuse can become an issue. All it can take is that first drink or first drug and the addiction genes are set into motion.
My son was diagnosed with this genetic pre-disposition, and because he was adopted and I was unaware of his genetic history, I was clueless that this could be the reasons for his behaviors. My heart aches when I think back on the times that I had judged him so harshly, not realizing that his brain andd body chemistry was the reason for his behaviors. Never once did I think that our brain and body chemistries were different.
I personally believe that there is no perfect formula to ensure a substance free family. But, being aware and informed can make a huge difference in how critical this crisis becomes for you. There may not be a foolproof cure for addiction but there is always help and hope. My son and I are living proof.
This blog brought to you by www.mitzirudderow.com and her award winning book “Coming Clean: Drug Addiction Help and Hope.”
I worry a lot about this, because there are so many addicts in our family. I always feel my husband went overboard saying we could never ever have alcohol in our home. I think that will just encourage flat out rebellion and then our children will hide drinking from us. Instead I want to find some way to teach them moderation is the key, and I really want them to understand their predisposition to addiction before they make the choices that can lead to it. I think about this everyday, now that my daughter is 16 and hitting those teenage years pretty hard. Where’s the balance? I just don’t know…
Because of my personal experience, there is no balance with teens. The ball is totally in the parent’s court. Until I got mad, I couldn’t get tough and once I got touch, things changed. I set the rules, outlined the consequences and enforced the law. I quit trying to parent my son like a friend and if he got mad and rebelled….so be it. I finally figured out that I was older, much wiser, and a whole lot tougher than he was.
If you have addiction in your family then chances are (but no guarantees) one of your children will carry the gene. This makes is doubly hard for you as a parent in this world where the temptations are around every corner. If I were you, I would remove the alcohol from your home and lay down the law staying one step ahead at all times. If they get mad they’ll get over it. Peace at any price is a recipe for disaster with a teen.
Today my 23 year old son is married with a family of his own and our relationship has never been closer. We often reflect on those hard days when he was out of control and forcing me to be the “bad guy.” I am happy to report that he has thanked me for all the times I got so touch. He told me he has never respected me more than when I had to kick him out of our home (at age 17) for not adhering to the rules. That made it all worthwhile.
You sound like a wonderful Mom who is trying to do all the right things. There is no balance when you are the boss and that’s OK. It all balances out later. Remember that when you have to get tough you are laying a foundation for your children to mirror when it is their turn to be the parents!
We don’t have alcohol in our home very often, my husband doesn’t allow it, but I have always resented that at 35 years old, I’m not entitled to pop open a bottle of wine once in a blue moon. I guess I was hoping I could teach my kids that once they are GROWN it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. But I see your point. I have never tolerated my kids drinking, I just have tried to keep a door open where they could talk to me about which parties had drinking, etc… By balance, I mean I was looking for balance for myself, because I made a Pina Colada and my husband looked at me like I had committed a cardinal sin, but I can see your point, maybe I just need to wait til the kids are grown to crack up that bottle, just in case one of them in the one to carry that gene… Now I’m wondering why I have let it become so important to me to be able to have that… that’s the beauty of sharing insights! Self-reflection!
Parenting is not about entitlement. It is about being a role model. It is a scientific fact that the frontal lobe of the brain in teens is not fully developed. That is the chamber that houses reasoning and judgement. Teens are not emotionally able to make good judgement calls and especially when it comes to alcohol. If they see you with a drink, that automatically gives them permission (in their minds) to have a drink too. They “think” they can handle it like an adult but nine times out of ten they cannot.
I would be teaching my kids that alcohol consumption is illegal until the age of 21 (or at least that is the law in Texas where we live) and let that be the end of it. I agree with your husband not to have alcohol in the house. If you want a Pina Colada or anything else, enjoy it when you are out at a restaurant with adults and away from your teens. Trust me…..you have plenty of time to take back your grown-up activities at home once you are an empty nester.
Does this guarantee that you will avoid alcohol issues with your teens? No it doesn’t…..but then again…….there are no guarantees with this. You never know what they are observing and the impact it is having. I say it is better to be on the safe side. You’ll feel better in the long run.
Thanks! I actually appreciate this advice. I used to be with him on the no alcohol rules, but I think I just got to this point where I felt a little over run and all I could imagine was chilling out with a bubble bath and a bottle of wine, and after I took on 4 more kids it seems like I’d never get to go to a restaurant again. To be honest, I think I have been a little wore down… guess its time to get back on track. Maybe what I really need to do is find a way to demand some time away so I can have my pina colada and be a role model too!
That is why God invented “girl trips!” I could not survive….even as an empty nester… without mine! I am blessed to have a few treasured friends that I can travel with. It is a perfect way to rest, renew, reflect and re-charge so that you can come home and be the best mom and wife (and in my case – grandmother) you can be! You go girl…I know you can do this!